The names have been changed to protect the innocent…
1. The nits I found in Amelia’s hair last night have nearly all gone.
2. Our family policy is to have our children ONLY do homework that matches our parenting philosophy.
3. Jocasta is SO fond of you. How about babysitting for us Saturday night?
4. You know that complaint I made about you on the last day of last term? I want you to know I was completely in the wrong. You didn’t worry about it over the summer holiday did you?
5. The only reason Darren misbehaves is because you don’t like him.
6. I don’t know where YOU went to university, but at Oxford…
7. Cassandra has what the doctor describes as “fecal urgency.”
8. Word to the wise: Timmy bites.
9. I’d like to observe your teaching style, but I don’t want to make you nervous. Is it OK if I just stand in the doorway for a while each morning?
10. I need you to call me IMMEDIATELY every time Jade gets less than 15 out of 20 in her times tables. Got it?
11. “Goodnight Mr Tom” is the work of the devil and there’s no way you should be reading it out loud to the class. And telling me it has won the Guardian Award for children’s fiction only makes things ten times worse.
12. Our family believes in freedom of speech, so we don’t limit our child’s vocabulary. So if Bonnie swears in class, understand that we expect you not to call attention to it.
13. I know Katherine has a temperature today, but it’s only allergies. Let her sleep in the corner of the classroom.
14. You clearly have no idea just how gifted Jonathan is, otherwise you would never have pointed out all those spelling mistakes.
15. Jared will be out of school the week AFTER Half Term too. The beach is so much less crowded then. You understand.
16. I called the Director of Education and the Headteacher to hear what they have to say. And now I’d like to hear your explanation for why Elspeth hasn’t got a main part in the school play.
17. It’s very important that you include Elizabeth’s imaginary friend when you call the register every morning.
18. I’m so sorry to phone you at home when you’re probably eating your dinner, but I found your number in the phone book. If you could just give me a quick summary of how Daniel is doing in your class, that would be great.