This is from Buzzfeed. And I think it’s excellent…
1. “London prices” – Rip-off prices.
2. “Sorry” – I’m not sorry.
3. “Sorry” – You have just trodden on my foot, and I loathe you with every fibre of my being.
4. “Excuse me” – You have paused momentarily at the ticket barrier and I am boiling with rage.
5. “My fault entirely” – Your fault entirely.
6. “I’m fine, thanks” – I am barely managing to conceal a churning maelstrom of emotions.
7. “How are you?” – Fine. Just say fine.
8. “See you Saturday!” – Don’t forget to email me twice to make sure that we’re actually meeting on Saturday.
9. “Let’s have lunch” – Let’s walk to Pret and back as fast as we can.
10. “I’m having a party in Wimbledon, come along” – Please travel for four and a half hours as I live in the middle of bloody nowhere.
11. “Open for business” – Oligarchs welcome.
12. “Centre of global finance” – Money launderers’ paradise.
13. “My commute? It’s not too bad. About average” – It involves three modes of transport, takes hours each day, and is slowly crushing my spirit.
14. “Could you move down a bit please?” – I’m not asking, I’m telling.
15. “Could you move down a bit please?” – I am seconds away from a devastating mental collapse.
16. “Could you move down a bit please?” – If you don’t, I will start killing indiscriminately.
17. “Due to adverse weather conditions” – It was a bit windy earlier.
18. “Due to the wet weather conditions” – A tiny amount of rain has fallen.
19. “Please take care when…” – Don’t you dare blame us if…
20. “We apologise for the inconvenience caused” – Via the medium of this dehumanised pre-recorded message.
21. “Due to a signalling failure…” – Due to an excuse we just made up…
22. “Rail replacement bus service” – Slow, agonising descent into madness.
23. “There is a good service on all London Underground lines” – Though this very much depends how you define “good”.
24. “Planned engineering works” – That’s your weekend plans ruined, then.
25. “Would Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately” – Ohgodohgod everybody panic, we’re all about to die.
26. “Annual fare increase” – We’re rinsing you suckers for even more money. Again.
27. “House party in Tooting? See you there!” South of the river? No chance.
28. “I live in Zone One” – I am unimaginably wealthy.
29. “The area is really up and coming” – Only one tramp shouts at me in the morning.
30. “Vibrant” – Actual poor people live here.
31. “Gentrification” – I am so glad they’re rid of the poor people.
32. “Gentrified” – Now I can’t afford to live here either.
33. “Efficient use of space” – Microscopic.
34. “Studio flat” – Bedsit.
35. “Incredible potential” – Absolutely awful.
36. “Affordable” – Uninhabitable.
37. “Deceptively spacious” – Basically a cupboard.
38. “Good transport links” – There’s a bus stop ten minutes walk away.
39. “Authentic” – Fake.
40. “I just bought a flat” – My parents just helped me buy a flat.
41. “Swift half” – Many, many, many, many halves.
42. “Quick pint” – In the pub until closing time.
43. “We’re going on a date” – We’re getting drunk together.
44. “Picnic” – Daytime drinking
45. “Barbecue” – Drinking in the garden.
46. “South London” – Here be monsters.
47. “West London” – Here be posh people.
48. “East London” – Here be young people.
49. “North London” – Here be newspaper columnists.
50. “Oxford Circus” – Roiling hellscape.
51. “Tech city” – Bunch of start-ups you’ve never heard of.
52. “London has some of the best restaurants in the world” – So how come I always end up at Nandos?
53. “London is full of cultural delights” – Which I never visit.
54. “Gourmet coffee” – Ludicrously overpriced coffee.
55. “Exciting pop-up restaurant” – You guys like queuing, right?
56. “We have a no bookings policy” – We hate our customers.
57. “This pub has character” – This is not a gastropub, and I’m scared.
58. “Traditional boozer” – Pub that does not serve wasabi peas.
59. “What do you do?” – How much do you earn?
60. “He works in finance” – He’s dangerous.
61. “He works in media” – He’a an idiot.
62. “He works in PR” – He’s all talk.
63. “He works in tech” – He’s got a blog.
64. “Working hours” – Waking hours.
65. “Greatest city on earth” – Apart from New York.
66. “You know what they say: he who is tired of London…” – I am so tired of London.
Facebook Comments